Welcome to a Segment Titled "Really?!?" with K

Hi, my name is K, and I’m a bitch.

No, really.

Seriously.

Not the best introduction, perhaps, and maybe a given (c.f .– blog title), but it will explain the tone of this entry (and likely all of my other posts that don’t involve puppies).

Although there are many many (many) things in life that bring out the cattiness in me, this one in particular comes up often. In this case, it was inspired by a recent trip to a Massachusetts university for a conference. I get up there, all dolled up and looking nice (actually hot – ask M, she’s seen the dress), and I see 75% of the other conference attendees in what can best be described as “New England hipster drag.” I’m talking cheap polyester clothes that got dug out of a back alley Salvation Army bin, glaringly tacky plastic “handbags,” bad dye jobs tied into unflattering ‘dos, mismatched and filthy shoes, and trashy blue makeup (side note – blue makeup is ALWAYS A NO. Chances are, you’re doing it wrong.). Now yes, I could launch into a rant about people dressing inappropriately under all sorts of circumstances, but I’m not really talking about the inappropriate choice of clothes. I’m just talking about looking bad. I’m talking about people looking ugly. I get irritated by ugly people. I don’t like ugly people, and I’m not friends with ugly people.

And I don’t think I’m being cruel when I say that. There’s a vast spectrum of attractive any guy or girl could fall onto, with a whole bunch of variation regionally, sexually, ethnically, personally, whatever. There are people that are model gorgeous, or curvy “real-person” gorgeous, to sickly nasty, or even just downright busted. My problem is not inherently with these people. My problem is with people who don’t work with what they’ve got. I don’t want to be friends with people who don’t care about themselves or their bodies.

I’m going to go ahead and talk about women exclusively here. Yes, men are also ugly, but I feel bad for them because outside of California, makeup isn’t really an option to cover up that bad skin, and there is only so much you can do with guy’s hair. (I’m also going to point out that in this post (and most others) I’m keeping my comments confined to urban/metropolitan suburban women. I don’t know what bitches in Alaska are doing with themselves, nor do I give a shit.) Women, however, have SEVERAL multi-billion dollar industries dedicated to providing them with the products to shape it up a little. No, I’m not advocating materialism and rabid consumerism, even though I’m an avowed and unapologetic materialist (I like stuff, I like new stuff, and I like expensive stuff. Fuck off.), I’m talking about taking advantage of things that can only benefit you.

You say, well I don’t need to change who I am for people to like me? Wrong. At least partially. People will like you better if you look better. I don’t mean prettier, per se (although they are related), I just mean better. There have been dozens of psychological studies on babies or children (who are supposedly unbiased or acculturated) and hermits or whatever, that say people have positive brain wave reactions or some shit to people who look nicer. As an adult with a couple decades and change of nice, biased, narrow experience to base my judgments on, I’m going to like someone with whiter teeth and clean hair more than someone who is clearly a chainsmoker and looks like they haven’t seen a bottle of conditioner in a month. Whitening isn’t expensive, and good god, if you hair gets greasy easily, WASH IT MORE! You don’t need plastic surgery, expensive treatments, or designer clothes, or whatever. You have Target and a chain pharmacy. But learn what works for you, and learn how to do some of the easier little things that make you look so much better. I understand that so many women don’t have the financial resources to get manicures, or the time to do them themselves. I’m not really talking about that. I’m talking about putting on makeup and clothes that fit your body and coloring, BEING CLEAN and presentable, do your hair in a flattering way, etc. You will be more respected at work (assuming you don’t confuse pretty/nicer with slutty), be treated better by strangers and customer service people, and honestly, FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!!! Don’t you want that?

What I will never understand is how people don’t care about how they look. My utter incomprehension of this bizarre phenomenon relates closely to how I feel about people who walk out the door without having looked at themselves in the mirror – because, to quote one of my favorite actors, DAMN these bitches look awfully nasty. (And we’re all just praying that those people didn’t look, because to think that they did look and go, “yeah, I look good!” is scary.) Why would you refuse to put the effort into something that could realistically make your life better? Tie your hair all the way back, instead of halfway. Wear pink-skin tone lipstick instead of red. Use a tougher astringent or better skincare product to get rid of some stubborn bad skin. Wear dark colors. Wear denim that works for your ass (that, I know all about. I have issues with ass to waist ratio in denim.) Wear a flattering top. If you don’t like or can’t wear contacts, get glasses with flattering frames. There are so many things a girl could do to make herself look just a little bit better. And a little bit goes a long way, my friends.

Because nobody likes an ugly girl.