K - The War of the Words

I keep losing commenter wars. Or, I tell myself they’re wars. Great, huge, important battles with the other anonymous commenters on the Gawker media conglomerate blogs. I have read a few of them (Jezebel and io9) for years, and only recently worked up the courage to post something – usually on Jezebel.

I have always thought I would be awesome at commenting. I would be sparklingly brilliant and absolutely hilarious, and everyone would just *love* all the dumb shit I had to say. Everyone else who posts on that site can’t possibly be as smart and funny as I am, so I could more than hold my own – I could dominate. After all, I have an MA – which goddamnit, has to count for something! (It totally doesn’t.)

I was wrong. It takes a singular breed of woman to withstand the shit that goes down on those comment threads. People will bite your head off, jump to conclusions, and eviscerate you if they don’t agree. They’ll launch into how you’re a “troll” (some sort of blogosphere lingo with which I’m still unfamiliar) and shouldn’t be around such intelligent charming feminists as themselves. They’ll accuse you of not doing your research, not understanding the topic, and speaking when you don’t know what you’re talking about. 95% of the people on this fucking blog don’t know what they’re talking about, because if we were fucking policy experts we wouldn’t have the time to be on Jezebel all fucking day.

So now I find myself starting all of my posts with, “I do not mean any offense at all, and I am very uneducated about this topic, so this is just a vague suggestion of a statement…” and sounding like a fucking pussy. I avoid anything having to do with a) abortion b) healthcare c) childbearing/raising, and d) fashion for the overweight – i.e., 80% of the fucking content. I get jumped on by starred and unstarred commenters alike. And believe me, I am not outside of the political realm of these posts – it’s not like I’m saying that women shouldn’t have jobs or we should read Bibles in schools and not teach evolution. I’m mostly aligned with the founding principles of those sites, although perhaps less vehemently than others. Yet no matter what I say, someone objects. And that pisses me off, because I’m not the kind of person to back down on shit. I’ve gotten into major pissing wars with some of my colleagues over inappropriately political e-mails (don’t get me started) and almost killed some shitty roommates over some bitchy comments.

Well of course, you say, and my boyfriend says, what did you expect? Well, to be greeted as some sort of commenter goddess, that’s what. I’m fucking brilliant, and they should recognize that. I need some kind of daily verification of my brilliance, and I’d like it to come through the admiration of dozens of adoring commenters. Clearly, I just need to drink more.

And then the Washington Post had to run an article on one of the star (in both senses) commenters on Jezebel, who goes by “morninggloria.” Aside from my devastation at learning her name wasn’t actually Gloria , I was pissed. Really fucking pissed. Who the hell is this financial analyst bitch who clearly spends hours all day every day practicing her witty one-liners? All of her stuff reads as forced, and unfunny. Why do some many people follow her anyway? I’m taking away my heart. All of you are a bunch of overweight women in your thirties with way too many fucking cats.

So have I learned my lesson? Not to take the comments to heart, because really, you’re always going to encounter that kind of shit on the internet. Not to let myself be fueled into fits of rage or shame because I didn’t know what a c-section was (and why the FUCK should I have known that?) or because I think cats smell (THEY DO, sorry M)? Of course not. I’m just going to smoke more, and drink more, and tell myself I’m better than them. I’m definitely skinnier, with nicer tits.