Last week was super-hectic, and I also happened to be incredibly sick (but thank you cough syrup with codeine), so again – apologies about the delay in posting. Hopefully M has been keeping you all entertained. However, sickness only accentuated my normal cynicism, and I came across this delightful announcement in my apartment elevator about holiday tips for our building employees. Hence, le blog post.
As a bit of background, I live in a rather nice apartment building in a nice area…what you’d call an adult apartment. There are families with children (unfortunately a great many of them) in this building, in addition to my young professional demographic, and the even more unfortunate population of embassy staff &. co. I hate embassy families. They’re self-important, rude, and obnoxious because they know they can get away with murder. Hell, over the summer I can tell you for a fact that over half of these fucking brats have nannies to take them down to the pool…because their stupid mothers couldn’t be bothered. Rich assholes. That, and a bunch of incredibly irate old women make up the population of the building. Those women alone should be tipping our staff, because they’re the ones every single fucking morning harassing the front desk girl because there is something wrong with the espresso machine in the lobby. (There is always something wrong with the espresso machine in the lobby.)
To start out with, I have no problem with the essential concept of tipping your concierge, etc. for the holidays…it’s just the way in which this particular notice was framed. However, this is assuming the employees deserve it. If that sounds harsh, it comes from personal experience. M and I lived in a building where some of the front desk staff were honest-to-god harpies. I’m talking unbelievable bitches who were not only too old to be competent at their job, but blithely didn’t give a shit that they were incompetent and preferred to be absolutely nasty to anyone under 35. No lie. Those old witches were straight up heinous. And they deserved no thanks for anyone.
My current building, fortunately, has no such problems. I’ve actually had really great service from them (including during a really awkward situation with a neighboring couple who was/is, to put it bluntly, fucking disgusting to the point where it interferes with MY quality of life), so I’m more than happy to give them big ups. I wouldn’t be opposed to some kind of holiday tip for mediocre service either, because it’s not necessarily like a bonus for effort, just a “hey, it’s Christmas” kind of deal. But the people in my building who have put together this “holiday fund drive,” complete with delightful color posters (Sharon and Ruth Ann…go figure) have me a bit confused. Their rationale for why we should donate is as follows:
“If you lived in a house, you’d give holiday tips to the trash collector, cleaners, mail deliverer, and lawn guys.”
Would I really? First of all, I am not from a family that ever used a maid, so our mythical “cleaner” was Mom and she got presents, not tips. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE heard of tipping the mail man, and I’m even from a rural area where we know all the post office staff. Trash collectors? You know how much fucking money they make? For working like 3 hours a day? If I recall correctly, there was some kind of kick-up in DC a year or so ago about trash collectors starting too early, because they got paid for a whole day’s work that they finished at 8 am. Not cool, homie. And now it’s illegal for them to get trash earlier than 7. At least in NW… And I also may be making that up. (Well, someone else made it up, because I heard it somewhere. Why the hell would I make that up?) So anyway…no one who makes twice as much as I do is getting a tip from me. My bosses get cards, and they give me a couple hundred dollars in cash. It’s an established socio-economic hierarchy thing. They make like 100s of Ks a year…and I do not. They get cards. I would not give a garbage man a card, though. We do, however, have a lawn guy because my mom’s house has 3 acres and there is no way she could mow that herself. The lawn guy is also nice enough to come plow the driveway in the winter. We call him Grassman (not to his face) and he’s a secretly a biker dude / hippie. Lots of tattoos, long hair, etc. I would give him a tip because Grassman rocks.
Farther down on the page they’ve put “Cash gifts are welcome, too.” Wait, what was I giving before? A personal check? So you cunts can add a few more zeros? How do you know it won’t bounce? Do you want my credit card number? A gift card? Can I do that? Can I give a Starbucks gift card as a donation? How do you split that among the 31 employees (a number I now know, thanks to Sharon and Ruth Ann)? Oh, wait, I read up again (and I’ve read this like every day for a week and only last night ripped one off the wall as “research” for this post) and saw the detail I’ve been missing - “Make checks out to the [Apartment Building] Employees Holiday Fund.” They’ve also used the name the building was called like five years ago before it was bought out by the current management company, so clearly Sharon and Ruth Ann has problems adjusting to change. So they’ve apparently, what, created a shell company to collect these donations? Is this tax deductible? Why would you want to collect hundreds of checks (presuming most people donate)? You know how much of a pain in the ass that would be at the bank? You probably do, because I bet you bitches are the type who writes out a check for your groceries. Taking about 5 solid minutes to do so, might I add.
Sharon and Ruth Ann, you have discouraged my interest in Christmas spirit. I’m hoping that your collective stupidity is not enough to actually deter me from donating, but for now, it’s certainly going to piss me off. And Sharon, by the way, charmed6@[emaildomain].net is not an appropriate e-mail address for an adult. Just fyizzle.
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